Alexander, 45, who served as a conscript in the second Chechen war, was mobilized two decades later for the war against Ukraine. Novaya Gazeta Europe published part of his account of a suicide attempt that, he says, ultimately saved his life.
After the unit was filled out, it was sent to the Donetsk region, near Klishchiivka. Officially, they were told to dig trenches, but Alexander says they were taken straight to the line of contact. Shelling began within an hour. There were no trenches or fortifications, and the men hid by the roadside, behind mounds of earth and stones. He says drones flew overhead all night, and the order felt as if people had simply been thrown there in the hope that something might somehow work.
After five days, the group left the position without authorization. Alexander says commanders had not expected any of them to come out alive. They were immediately branded traitors; representatives of the military prosecutor’s office, investigators, the FSB, and generals arrived. The protest collapsed quickly: by his estimate, only 4 to 5 men from the original group were still there. Those who remained were appeased with medals, ranks, better conditions, hot food, and even a bathhouse.
“Where will we learn to fight? Right here we will learn to fight,” Alexander recalls the political officer saying, in what he saw as a substitute for real training, reinforced by retelling the film “They Fought for Their Country.”
He says he spent about a week and a half preparing to injure himself. In his view, there were only three options: shoot himself in the leg, hang himself, or cut his veins. Before doing it, he said goodbye to his mother and told her plainly: “I will be gone soon.” He says he did not want to go to the front line and kill Ukrainians, and he no longer saw any lawful way out.
At the position, he sat on a sandbag and cut both arms with a knife; he says a deep scar remains on the left one. He describes this as the final breaking point after constant deaths and seeing fellow soldiers call home in tears before possible death. He was later taken to a medical unit, but only after threatening to fire an RPG at the battalion commander if he returned to the position. At the hospital, a surgeon, he says, offered him a choice: “Help or scalpel?” Alexander replied: “Scalpel.” Seven days later, his company commander took him to a psychiatric hospital in Luhansk and told him he was being evacuated.